what is life and what is it for?
i wake up every day to go thru the motions..
i sleep every day because i have to go thru the motions again tmr...
people ask me what do i want to do after i graduate...
i always dont have an answer
i make excuses like - well it depends..
but the truth is i dont know..
i mean like whats the point?
life is gonna be another phase of repeated motions
a never ending cycle of wake ups and sleeps
then one day i will die

sometimes i wonder what is so great about sustainability..
all that crap about building a better tmr..
are u kidding me?
we are just gonna wake up every day to go thru routines of life we set in motion after years of conforming to worldly standards of living then end up one day on our death bed wondering what have we done
we are just gonna die
why not save our children the misery and just not exist in the first place
all just a load of non sense

so sometimes i just feel like going home to malaysia..
get a mediocre job live a mediocre life
cause in the end what is the point
you're just gonna die anyway
living a robot's life

so what if i stay in australia or go to china or else where to work and settle down?
will i be happier? i dont think happiness is that cheap to be measured by such trivial standards...
maybe if i just have food on my table and roof over my head would that be enough?
enough to just wait for the day where the world ends..
i sound so sad
i am sad

sigh

the internet.. one of the hugest irony of the modern life.. you have the whole world in front of u in your computer yet here you are talking to yourself alone in your room hoping that there will be some bored soul who will be bothered reading your rants..

in fact i think i've become so numb i am tired of ranting.. i mean whats the point? not like it is gonna change anything... i've become tired of telling ppl how sad i have become.. how i wish i dont know who i am anymore.. how i wish i can just press the reset button... how i wish life can be more than just another day...

i might not be here tmr... who knows.. i might die in my sleep.. like that girl in fb.. so what? can i do anything about it? i wake up every day to get caught up with the life called studies.. i lay to rest thinking about what i have to do for my studies tmr.. i have no life...

i guess that is why i am so drawn to 90s music these days.. i want to go back to when life was still simple.. when all i had was childhood innocence.. cause sometimes ignorance is bliss

The Beginning

it's 5 in the morning.. and here i am still up.. still looking around.. still finding an answer.. like a sailor without a compass.. out at sea.. but the winds are getting stronger now.. the sea rougher.. and i am growing tired..

quite frankly i am tired of whining.. whining is serious business.. it takes a shit load of stuff away from you and leaves you with nothing.. just a lot of emptiness..

my whole life has brought me to this point.. right here right now.. everything that has been.. all that i have seen and experienced.. brought me here.. to the edge of the known universe.. here where life and death collide.. where reason and being meet.. at the edge of the known universe where the unknown begins.. like standing at the edge of a cliff.. where the beyond is just nothingness.. as far as the eye can see - nothingness.. never ending void.. a vastness your mind does not comprehend.. where the next step might mean falling down.. where the next step is the step of faith..

how can i say that there is no god? when i feel him in my bones.. i see him in the beautiful creations around me.. in the eyes of the oppressed.. in my loneliness, i know he has not forsaken me.. he is right there waiting for me to talk to him.. waiting for me to take the plunge.. to take the dive.. to have faith.. to believe.. to come alive again..

so this is what this blog is about.. no more whining.. no more complaining.. but this blog will be about finding God again.. my road back to God.. where i unlearn what i have learn.. and see my world through his eyes.. at the edge of the known universe.. this is where it begins..